If You Could Only See, The Beast You’ve Made of Me

Hello everyone and welcome to our next episode of Loves Lost! If you’ve been following the series thus far, you’ll remember the time I fucked over a really good guy, the time I was dating an alcoholic, and the time I clogged a guy’s toilet. Good times. This post is going to be about the time I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Just a warning: it’s not pretty.

When I was in high school, I started dating this guy, Ryan*, that I had as a friend for a couple of years. He was rude, mean, and of course, I was attracted to him. I have no idea what the hell I saw in him, but for some reason we had this undeniable chemistry. We were on and off over the course of our 4 years in high school.

The reason why we kept breaking up and getting back together was because our relationship was extremely unstable. When we first started dating, he told me not to tell anyone that we were in a relationship. I went along with it, but looking back, I realized that he didn’t want anyone to know we were together because I was considered one of the “uncool” kids, and he was a cool kid. When I told one of my friends he was my boyfriend, she went up to him and asked him about it. Later that day, he broke up with me on the phone because “I didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut.”

I wish I could say this was the end of our relationship, but we got together many more times after this. He had a knack for cutting me down verbally, and over the course of the years I was called ugly, stupid, a dirty Nigerian, a slut, and a prude. (Side note – how can someone be a slut and prude at the same time?). I was at fault also – I slung my fair share of insults his way as well, but they were always in self-defense after getting my feelings hurt.

This toxic and disgusting cycle continued when I went to college. But the final straw came when he came to see me during my freshman year. We had an argument, he stormed out, and I decided that it was time for me let him out of my life permanently. We stayed in touch for a little while after that, but I haven’t seen him since that day.

When you’re in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, you’re used to being on a roller coaster of sorts. Sometimes the ride is smooth, sometimes you’re turned upside down, and you usually get off the ride feeling a bit sick, but exhilarated, and you want to get back on the ride.

I honestly think Ryan was the beginning of my issues with men. I was so used to being talked down to, lied to, and just treated badly, that I didn’t know how to react when someone was actually nice to me. In fact, when I did encounter someone who was nice to me, I acted like Ryan did and was extremely mean and cold to them. It’s taken a lot of soul searching and analysis to even realize the extent of what he had done to me. I’m still not 100% recovered, but I hope I can get to a place where I can have a positive and healthy relationship.

So what’s the lesson to be learned from all of this? There are many (haha).

  1. Be careful with who you date at any age, but especially when you’re young,
  2. Don’t let boys be mean to you. The person you’re with should bring you up, not bring you down
  3. You should deal with your issues from your past before moving forward in the future.

My heart goes out to anyone that’s ever had to, or is dealing with, a situation like this ♥



*names have been changed to protect the innocent. And myself, from a lawsuit.


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